Being Better

Photo by JW on Unsplash

I remember at some point in my teens, my mother looked at me pointedly and said, "you always try to be better." While the words can be interpreted in a variety of ways, the tone that accompanied the statement was definitely accusatory and sharp. I remember feeling offended and confused. Hadn't my parents done an excellent job at pointing out where I could be better? 

Fast forward to a career of coaching people and whenever I asked, "what is your goal?" The answer, "to be better." This led to my next question, "what does being better mean to you?" The most common answer was, "to be more consistent at climbing (name a particular) grade." As we continued to work together, it became clear to me, the real answer was, "to feel like I climb well enough." An important distinction is the lack of feeling like one climbs well enough.

Now well into the second month of the year and past the point where many have left their New Year's resolutions behind, it seems to me an excellent time to ask, "What was the goal with that New Year's resolution?" I will bet the answer is, "to feel better about myself." I too had a New Years resolution to eat less snacky foods. I am successful some of the time, but my why, was also to feel better about myself. I had a carefully crafted critique of my enjoyment of a some chips, to the point of shaming and the chips and Netflix becoming a mode of escape from that b$tch in my head who just natters about how weak I am. Combine that shaming with the commentary on how old and I am and how I will never get back to my peak shape and that pretty much sums up the years of isolation. 

Here's the aha! It may be true. I may be making a poor choice every time I make the choice for the snacks. I am getting older and 60 years of this planet is getting closer. My metabolism is slowed. That is a fact. In order to maintain the body I had twenty years ago, I would need to quit working and just focus on exercise and get checked into a rehab facility to keep me out of grocery stores.

Notice I said choice above. It is a choice as my 21 year old son reminded me while we embarked on a ski vacation. Every thing else... EVERY THING else is a storyline I am using to justify or inform the next choice. Or not. That too is a choice.

Photo by Damian Siodłak on Unsplash

As I mentioned at the beginning, I got this storyline about my need to be better than the version of myself I was from my parents, from society. You are supposed to get A's. You are supposed to do what you are told, when you are told. You are supposed to wash the dishes perfectly and not drop the stack on the floor. (Whoops!) You are supposed to be kind. You are supposed to be polite. You are supposed to temper your energy. More importantly, you are not supposed to be wildly creative and build bunkbeds. I got no points for my ingenuity on that one. You are not supposed to be curious and try climbing the cliffs while your parents dig clams. 

It is no different now. Scroll your feed and see the ads about how Yoga will make you young again and the model is clearly in her twenties. Look at the images of the stars and how gorgeous they look when they have had hours to prepare, haven't had to step into a grocery store in the last twenty years, and scads of money for regular facials, massage and physio. I don't know about you, but that is not my story. I would rather be sweaty and dirty from a day outside. So why would I spend so much time with the story of not enough, chasing the perfect body, a face without lines and hair without grey?

But again, the idea of beauty is just another storyline which could give a solid argument to a choice. Or not.

The main point... in this moment... just this moment, I can make a choice. That is where my power is.
I can choose to put on my sneakers and get outside, or not. I can pay attention to the storyline about how cold it is, and futile since I am still aging. Or I can just go. I can pay attention to the shaming from my critical self about how weak I am being using my chest cough and cold temps as an excuse. Or I can just go, or not go. 

Here's the punchline...
What we all seek in this goal setting and pursuit is to finally be happy with who we are, the body we are in and grade we climb. This list can go on and include the job we have, the house we live in, the sleep we get, etc. This happy with who we are and where we are is called contentment. Contentment is one of the niyamas in the eight limb path of Yoga. Contentment is not focused on what we have yet to achieve. Contentment is appreciation and gratitude where we are.  It doesn't mean you cannot aspire to something, that is possible. That is called being inspired. Contentment means I appreciate where I am, who I am, AND I will make choices from a place of inspiration, not from expectation or despair.  

On that note, I am inspired to get my dog out and off leash today, and perhaps to skate at the Oval, What do you appreciate about you, your world today? What inspires you? May you have inspired decisions as you move through February.