It began with noticing the challenge to get the kiddos to try hard. There was no enthusiasm or real vibrancy. I would go to the gym and look at the routes with a critical eye. That one might just be reachy. Oh... that one has a dyno, not for me. Eventually I would find myself on the kilter board making up my own routes, or telling myself I was only going to work on my recovery and sticking to super easy routes.
Easily bored and not find the excitement and fulfillment of trying hard, I would end the session early or become distracted with conversation. The result of my lack of focus on improving and lack of effort in trying hard, led to an inevitable stagnancy in my performance. As a woman nearing my sixth decade of life, it only becomes harder and harder to maintain any level of performance. The whole house of cards was beginning to tumble.
An avid self reflector, it led to examining how I was showing up, or not as the case maybe. Then I heard this phrase, "quiet quitting" which describes just not putting in the fullness of effort. Choosing consciously to only do what is required. It is a current trend in the workplace. According to a Gallup.com article, the stats in 2022 are getting worse with the number of engaged workers reducing and the number of quiet quitters increasing.
Although climbing is supposed to be a recreational pursuit, for some it is more of a means to focus and bring fulfillment with the every elusive next level. But that is not the case so much anymore. The birthday party mentality toward climbing is pervading the gyms. It makes sense. In a world where nuclear war is present, people are displaced by war or hurricanes, and wild fires, or stuck in limbo by a global pandemic, a very timeless question arises.... What is the point? This question has cycled around my brain for the past few years now. I have worked hard and tried to be a good human, tried bettering myself, tried to maintain healthy habits, and where am I? In a world that seems to be falling apart with the very stark realization that in the end we all die.
On one level this is a very depressing thought. If the very existence of our lives has no meaning, then why bother with all the pain and suffering that goes along with life. And I suppose if you read the news about mass shootings and the rise in suicide, it seems more and more people are living and dying with this very depressing thought.
Perhaps the question isn't "What's the point." Perhaps the better question is "What and how can I contribute to life in this moment?" This is a pretty natural question, but one I think most folks answer with a move toward what brings them more pleasurable experiences. I know I can purchase new tops and the dopamine hit lasts to the last first wearing of the shirt. Actually, that's an exaggeration. Often it only lasts to the thought - "don't stain this thing!"
No, unfortunately the answer doesn't lie with the next purchase or pleasant experience. I think the answer lies with the service we provide others. The things I remember most are the moments where someone I was coaching "got it" and realized just how much potential they had. The moments where I was holding my child and comforting him during an uncomfortable experience. The moment where I was smiling as I watched people enjoy the routes I had created.
Just like my dad on his deathbed, remembering what he contributed to something greater than himself - the point of my life is not what I gain for myself, it is what I give to something bigger than me. It is the experiences I have had a small hand in shaping that give joy, fulfillment, and love to others.
The "butterfly effect" implies that a single event in one place and time can have ramifications across geography and time. I am fairly certain anyone reading this can think of an example of the butterfly effect in their own life. Deeper reflection may lead you to consider just how much control do we have in this life, or just how much power do we wield. Depending on your perspective, both are true.
A kind word or deed has the power to profoundly change someone's mood and actions. That could be the greatest power of all. So too can the choice of someone else greatly change the freedom or very life of another person. Both are true.
I recently had the good fortune to visit one of my favourite places; a retreat centre. As I tucked myself into bed one night, I was startled to hear loud bangs coming from the west side of the campus. I thought at first the sounds were fireworks. I looked out the window and did not see splashed of light. I then wondered if the sounds were gunshots. My mind then went down a rabbit hole of self-protection, planning the actions I would take if the later were true.
Someone enjoying a fireworks display on a late summer eve also set the stage for a troubled night of sleep and a poor mood the next day. That mood darkened my experience of yoga class the next morning and the amplified frustrations I experienced while driving toward home. Fortunately, the retreat also created space for self reflection.
Do I want my experience of the world dependent on the circumstances of the world outside of me?
My answer to that question is no. I want my actions, thoughts, moods to be a reflection of all that is good in the world. I want people to be greeted by a smile and authentic happiness when we meet. Or at the very least a sense of openness even when challenged. Poise in the face of adversity.
The past few years of a global pandemic has certainly brought into the human consciousness our interconnectedness and to some of the more horrible, discouraging parts of living. Whether we like it or not, we are each impacted by the choices of others AND we impact the lives of others. Whether we like it or not, there are things that happen that we like and things that happen that we don't like.
What we miss - I think - is that both are true at the same time.
At the same time people were coming down with Covid, people were learning new skills to work from home. At the same time people are dying in catastrophic events, new life is arriving. There is a long Covid for sure. After months of social distancing, wearing masks, business closures, unemployment and restriction from seeing friends and family, we are all breathing differently. We are all reacting to more freedom as the restrictions are being lifted and life is returning to "normal."
Reacting is the antithesis of poise.
Yoga asana, pranayama, meditation - these are practices which teach us, move us in the direction maintaining poise.
1) Yoga asana is not about flexibility. It is about maintaining awareness on balanced breath while the body is challenged.
2) Pranayama is about learning how to manage the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system response.
3) Meditation is an opportunity to witness our thoughts rather than becoming reactive to them.
None of these are easy practices which is why they are called practices - they must continue to be explored and practiced. My mind has become a very different field of experience since we went into Covid and to work with my reactivity takes more practice, and more attention to the things I eat, the people I am with and the environments I am in. Just twelve hours at a retreat centre and I was more clear and less reactive. More curious and open. No cravings to pacify my sense of anxiety or lack. More balanced.
A balanced mind, body and breath do not react with high alert when fireworks are lighting up the sky. Clearly I should have booked more time to really create enduring poise.
There is a saying that goes... if you don't have anything nice to say... don't say anything.
I feel like that is the crux of my lack of blog posts for the past year. I don't have anything very nice to say these days.
I am very worried about our collective future.
Think not what can your country do for you, but what you can do for your country."
We live in a world of expectation and suffering. Blame of someone else somehow makes us feel better about ourselves.
The government should fix things. My boss is responsible for how terrible things are.
Maybe some of these expectations are true.
AND - what is also true - we are each responsible for our experience to at least some degree.
Imagine a world where people said, "well the news was telling us that there were long lines at the airport and they were right. And I chose to travel so I choose to navigate long lines, delays and trip disruption."
Imagine a world where someone said, "well it is a NDA is a document designed to stop me from speaking about an event that upset me. I agreed to sign the NDA document. I agreed to no longer talk about this event. I guess I chose to experience the regret I am experiencing."
Imagine a world where someone said, "well I agreed to work here. I agreed to allow people to treat me this way and I have stayed in this job, effectively saying to these people they could continue to treat me this way. I guess I am responsible for my unhappiness at work."
That is not the current reality. The current reality is to blame the other party - wholly and completely.
The current reality is to choose being a victim rather than to choose to be the person who can change one's world.
Empowerment means YOU change to meet the world. It doesn't mean the world changes for you.
To empower oneself is the ultimate responsibility one has for oneself.
Yes, there are victims. But when the event that made them a victim is over, they can choose to continue to be the victim, or to empower a change that will prevent further victimhood.
I am a big fan of the work of Byron Katie because it is all about being responsible for one's own experience. And then taking the action to empower oneself. If you haven't tried it - do!
If you want to face life fully and own your experience, The Work can take you there... if you do the work ;)
First let me say, I love Brené Brown's latest book, "Atlas of the Heart," which defines and refines understanding of our emotional experience. We all experience all the emotions. And what happens when we choose to ignore the emotional experience, repress the emotional experience? We react in a way that softens or eliminates the feels. However, until we process the emotions, the experience leading to the emotion, we cannot heal it.
And all emotions need healing. Even the good ones.
In 2002, on a glorious sunny and warm August day, I grabbed the start holds on a problem called Resurrection. My son, just over twelve months, was being watched by his dad, who was also trying to watch me. I moved through the spanning first moves. Got my heel up into the heel hook and with all I could muster, I threw my left hand up for the sloping edge. SUCCESS. It was the next move I had never done - getting my right hand up and transitioning to moving up the slopers. I just kept moving from there. I had never climbed the upper section before and my mind was silent. My body running on instinct. When I was at the top, looking down, catching my breath, I realized Fynn was crying. My partner was both ecstatic and distracted with our son. I was on the top. I had done it. I had completed my project.
Within moments of this success came the question in my mind, "what's next." And that feeling of unease at having to choose another project and start the process again. A project often comes to feel like an old friend, something you look forward to. There is comfort in knowing you know the moves and what is expected of you. Just how hard you have to try and what you have to do... certainty it is possible. So when you start looking for new projects, there is that feeling of dis-ease... as you settle into know what moves you can do, and which need work.
When we feel all the feelings of joy and love, we also have the shadow of potential loss. When we send that next project we laboured over, there is joy and a sudden recognition of the end, closure and letting go. It is the uncertainty of what's next that breathes life into fear - our fear for our identity.
Hope is described as having three elements - a goal, a path and agency.
As a coach I can tell you that access to the tools has been pretty shaky for most during Covid. Even defining goals has been a little more challenging since we do not always know (especially in Canada) when the next restrictions will come in, go out and how those restrictions may impact our ability to achieve any goals.
LOADS of UNCERTAINTY
And this is where we have truly lost AGENCY.
This is why there are truckers blocking borders and demanding an end to restrictions. This is why people struggle with mid life crisis. This is the very fear that animates any loss - UNCERTAINTY of what will happen next AND our uncertainty of our ability to navigate through it.
Within the pages of this amazing book is also the statement - "we can only love someone else to the degree we love ourselves."
We can only trust someone else to the degree we trust ourselves.
Perhaps this is why we loved The Dawn Wall featuring Tommy Caldwell picking up the pieces of his broken life and putting his agency in the one thing he felt defined his happiness - climbing. Perhaps this is why we were in awe and an Oscar was awarded to Alex Honnald's, Free Solo documented adventure. Boggles the mind that one can have such an audacious goal AND the agency in oneself to even try to achieve it.
Climbing offers the climber the opportunity to develop a relationship with oneself through the process of challenge. A climber can stay on routes that are within their capacity and leave feeling a little tired and quite successful. A climber can choose routes that they can not do first try, but perhaps after a few tries, it is completed.
A climber can also choose a route that they are not really ever sure it will be possible. It could be years of effort before they can actually do the route. These projects are the projects that force the climber to understand them self better. The project forces the climber to develop not only physically, but mentally. The climber has to increase their concentration, cultivate willingness to work through physical stress, pain, and continued failure. The climber is forced to be willing to bring their best even when they know their best in that moment is not enough to achieve success. The climber is forced to develop their sense of agency - belief in their potential, regardless of outcome.
You will never achieve an audacious goal without the belief in yourself to get there or the willingness to try and fail.
Your believe in yourself is what limits you, or expands you. It is pretty important to recognize just where you stand and ask yourself if that is where you want to be standing.
When one steps up to the base of that new project, one is not certain whether they will do it or not. There is a probability that we can lean into based on our experience. If you often climb that particular grade, chances are high you will be able to do it again. But when you are challenging yourself on that next level, that is where the stakes become much higher. And when the stakes are higher, you have to lean into more discomfort, Greater effort and mindfulness is applied. You may even turn to the person who has climbed it for more information on how you might be successful.
This discomfort is actually something most climbers seek. It is a part of the game we love to tackle. The mystery of unlocking the route or boulder problem with the tools we have IS what makes us want to do it. We have a goal, we see the pathway and we believe in our ability. As defined by Brene Brown in her book, The Atlas of the Heart, these elements are the trilogy of hope. And so the projecting begins. We try over and over again, figuring out new ways to do moves, developing our physical ability and bringing our enthusiasm every time.
In order to complete this route successfully we need to bring with us the trilogy - the goal, the path and belief in our ability. For someone of use, the goal can be quite far reaching - Tommy Caldwell set a goal for the Dawn Wall. Tommy applied effort to the same rock face for seven years and countless tries, with a strong belief in his own ability to master it.
For others, we only choose the routes we can do in a few tries before our belief in our ability begins to be shaken. A shorter climber perhaps falling prey to the belief the move is just too reachy. Or perhaps another acknowledging they just don't have the passion to try that hard. They acknowledge they just doesn't know the pathway to success.
Alex Honnold set a goal to solo El Capitan and spent years in preparation, memorizing the path. With each roped effort, he cultivated the belief in his ability to be successful. For some, like me, I can often see the path, but I deeply struggle to believe in my ability to execute what is needed to be successful. In my early fifties, I began to experience menopause. The insomnia, the brain fog and simple little injuries when I would try super hard. My shoulder would feel impinged, a carpel bone in my wrist dislocated, then my ankle. Trying to do a little barefoot Fitness Marshall I subluxed a bone in my foot. Add to this a concussion sustained while gardening and headaches that roll in with atmospheric pressure changes, still three years later, and my belief in my bodies' ability is shaken. Oh... and the change in metabolism... let's just not go there.
To be strong enough requires greater work and attention to joint stabilization, patience and a greater time commitment and time seems to be a commodity I must spend very wisely these days. I can no longer off-the-couch big hairy audacious goals. The goal needs to be smaller and for me, that does not drive the inspiration in the same way.
Resilience is the antidote.
Resilience is learning to set goals in an arena where I can control elements. Rather than I want to send that route. The goal is I want to put in 90-100% effort on that route.
Resilience is letting go of outcomes and focusing on what I can do, learn, how I show up. I will try X number of times. I will do this for 40 minutes, then move on.
Resilience is reframing. I could feel self-pity, anger, a sense of loss at the very real aging experience. OR I can reframe... this is my time to learn how to recover, how to take care of my body, my mind. This is the stage of life to be free of expectation of hard grade ascents and a time to mentor others. Enjoy the wonder of the array of emotions and stories being created with each climber's experience. Those stories are creating connection.
Resilience is asking for help. I am a coach and it has been a hard pill to swallow to recognize I am not the expert in the room when it comes to aging. My dad passed away just before the first Covid lock down. The mortality with which we all exist was front and centre for me over these past few years. Hopelessness leaned in and whispered, we all die. My response was, so what is the point then? As my hopelessness collected, I finally reached out for help. I was fortunate to reach in the right direction. The mentor I chose said the right things to assist me in reframing, in aligning to self-care, and refocusing my goals. Most importantly, the relationship keeps me accountable.
Resilience is partnered with humility. If it is not, it is bravado - armour designed to protect oneself from the opinions of others.
Resilience is slowing down. It is stepping out of the game to take in the big picture.
COVID just keeps pulling the rug out from under us.
Offering all of us an opportunity to develop our own resilience.
First it was just not getting the disease, or hoping you were one of those not impacted strongly by the virus. Governments came in with testing and masks, financial supports for businesses forced to shutter, people forced out of employment. We brought our resilience, our projecting attitude - keep applying skillful effort to get through this crux on the route of life. Using this tenacity of spirit, distraction and goals in life we could control, we surfed through the waves of Delta. Some of us riding tall on the board and others face planting in the sand as a wave crushed over us. Still the mantra was, 'this too shall pass."
Vaccines, like a new pair of climbing shoes, gave us new hope for better footwork to navigate the project. With case counts declining and symptoms less severe, motivation to get to the end, which seemed now in sight rose. Then came Omicron with it's faster spread, though lower severity, Months into record high hospitalizations, governments changed their sequence, stopped counting cases and moved the focus to hospitalizations, 3-ply masks, and boosters.
Our hope has perhaps faded. The goal is no longer clear. The path is more and more daunting. Our belief in the ability complete this route is dwindling. Perhaps you are standing on the precipice of hopelessness. Consider this very important idea...
Be the person you want others to see.
You are who you choose to become.
Someone once said to me, 'No one will remember who did the second ascent of any route, maybe not even the first. But you will always remember what you walked away from."
You will remember your choices. Choose the things you need to choose resilience. Please.
Nick and I had completed the first three months of our climbing road trip, landing in British Columbia. Our first stop was a basement apartment in Burnaby which we only held onto for a month or so. The drive over the bridge to North Vancouver and the climbing gym, The Edge, was mind numbing to say the least. Settled in North Vancouver, writing my thesis, working three jobs and trying to continue to climb, we were also burdened with our rescue dog, Ashley. Ashley was a lovely golden retriever who had one very challenging flaw. She never wanted to be alone. If left alone, she would do some damage. In addition to this challenge, the universe saw fit to have our apartment broken into and my computer that I was doing my thesis on, stolen and our landlady was none to pleased that her home had been broken into.
The stress of multiple jobs, barely making enough to pay rent, groceries and very little outdoor climbing time, not to mention a dog who destroyed stuff when you left her alone combined with the calamity of break ins left both Nick and I pretty unhappy. We broke up.
We still had the logistics of finding separate places to live and had decided that neither of us was in a position to care for the dog on our own which meant we needed to find a new home for her. The carefree days of getting up and going climbing were long gone.
My heart broken and my mind dispersed, I embarked on a girls climbing trip to Canmore, would be the thing for me. Out on the rocks, we met a few other climbers, one of whom had just moved back to Canada after doing studies in university in Colorado. Curious, I pried more information out of him while I also tried to figure how the heck I might clip that second bolt without having to do the crux move first and cursing the first ascentionist who must not have considered that a shorter person might break an ankle or take a ground fall because they couldn't just stand on the ledge to clip.
I returned to North Vancouver with a plan. I was done with Vancouver and it's endless traffic, incredibly expensive rents and long-ass drives to the crags. I was going to do a PhD in Boulder, Co. I had a plan. I was excited and less broken hearted. This made it a little easier for Nick and I to actually have conversation.
Nick was thinking university, giving up climbing. Maybe. We had this conversation about how he felt unfulfilled with climbing. He only saw the difficulty of training and not having a lot of routes to challenge him. A little back story... the month before, Nick had gone on a climbing trip to Smith Rocks. His goal was to do his first 5.13a. He did 5.13a, 5.13b and 5.13c. In other words, he shattered what he set out to do and now - 1995 remember - returned to a predominately trad climbing mecca with few route options and even fewer potential climbing partners. This was the year however, when local Squamish climber Jim Sanford would climb Canada's first 5.14a, Pulse, in Cheakamus Canyon.
I suggested he try trad climbing. Up to this point, Nick had really only clipped bolts. I had started by placing gear on trad routes, mind you I did lack a great deal of experience. I did have a very small rack and enough experience on how to use the gear to share what I knew with Nick. So we went out and did a couple of pitches of 5.10. Nick was excited. On the drive back to North Vancouver, Nick decided that he wanted to do something bigger, more adventurous. We went to the gym and he chatted with folks we knew who did a lot of trad climbing. He figured out borrowing some gear and we made a plan to climb the next day. I asked which route he wanted to do and he answered, The Grand Wall.
I know I have written about this adventure before, but let's review the facts. At this time, I climbed 5.11c/d on a good day. This would happen in the gym after I tried the route a few times and figured out the moves. I mentioned Nick could redpoint 5.13, and his onsight was about 5.12a/b. Up until this particular day, the hardest trad route I had climbed was 5.10+ and the longest route I had done was maybe eight pitches of climbing. Nick had only placed gear on the two pitches of 5.10 we had done the day before.
It was an epic day. I was coached by an anonymous climber to not completely layback the split pillar. Advice I ignored due to my lack of off width climbing experience. Nick cruised the route and every other pitch as well. I again cursed my height while trying to climb the bolt ladder section and regretted my decision to layback the split pillar when I realized I not only had to layback Perry's layback, I also was carrying all the gear while doing it. Yes, that is correct, we were so inexperienced, we did not know enough to send the gear up to Nick before I climbed.
Nick cajoled me through the final pitches of the route, successfully getting us to Belly good ledge. After hours in the sun and heat and working harder than my body had worked before, this was the breaking point for me. Half way across that ledge, laughter bubbled out of me. I lay there terrified and confident I would never ever be at this place again in my life. Nick, initially unsure about my mental instability, but as patient as ever, chuckled and smiled and continue to coax me to just wriggle a little further and I eventually made it to the other side.
The car ride back to North Vancouver was filled with comfortable quiet. Fortunately, sneaking out of the window in the bedroom had not alerted Ashley that we were gone for the day and nothing had been destroyed. Nick went out that evening with friends and I stayed and worked on the thesis. Nick returned quite early though and I cautiously asked why he hadn't stayed out with friends. The door opened and we chatted about our day and eventually got around to his dreams. Specifically, I heard him say, he wanted to 5.14 but BC didn't have the selection of routes for him to capture that dream. He was right. He also acknowledged he didn't know where climbing could take him and that is why it may just be time to go to university.
As a coach, I have gotten good at hearing people's dreams. And their fears. We all have dreams, even if we think we don't, we do. We just haven't been able to access them because of all the noise of day to day living. When I got quiet, in nature, doing something physical, something I loved, I heard the whisper of my heart say, 'let's do it, let's live in Boulder, Co and get a PhD.' I also heard my resistance. 'Only Americans can live in the US and you are not American. And you would have to get accepted into the PhD program. Your grades and project are not good enough.'
Sitting there with Nick, I heard his dream... to continue to climb harder routes, to climb 5.14, to live a life focused on climbing hard routes. And I heard his resistance, that's not the smart thing to do. You should get a degree and be practical about getting a good job.
Sitting in the evening light, in the backyard of the little lower level apartment we had, I said to him, "you can choose university at any time in your life, but you will only have this twenty year old body now. If you want to climb 5.14, it is better to try to accomplish that now and go to university when you are older, than to wait until you are older to try to climb that level." The conversation shifted to how... how could he make it happen.
Seizing the opportunities and the dreams in front of you is essential to realizing those dreams. We ended up together and married for ten years. Nick sent many 5.14's and we did essentially live in Boulder. I never did start or complete a PhD, but I did get well schooled in all things climbing. If Nick had not confronted his doubt about the value of his dream, he would not have chosen to fill his life with adventures he pursued. If I had chosen to believe my research wasn't good enough, I wouldn't have continued to pursue the question what makes someone a good climber. That question has fuelled my career and filled it with so many amazing humans, I would not trade it for anything.
There is a story about a farmer and a lesson in not knowing...
There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.
“Maybe,” the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.
“Maybe,” replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy for what they called his “misfortune.”
“Maybe,” answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.
“Maybe,” said the farmer.
The bottomline... we don't know what is better, but we do know what we can choose today, in the moment. We do know we can choose what inspires light and joy or what inspires fear. Choose wisely and seize this moment.
Grade five assembly at John W McLeod school. We were all in the room that was used for both gym. music, religion class and the Christmas concert. The teachers are near the stage, and the students are all sitting on the floor, crossed legged. I am wearing shorts and in this crossed leg position, my eyes are drawn to the mole on my left leg. I place my arm over my leg so no one else can see it. I do not like any of my freckles or moles. I notice how big my thighs are, comparing them to the girls in my class who have already started to get breasts. Their legs are long and thin, my legs are short and wide. There is no sign of breasts for me either.
My legs never seemed to get proportionally longer, The thighs always seemed too big. I was teased for my round butt and my relatively flat chest throughout junior high school. In grade nine, In high school the pond was much bigger. On one hand, I could hide more easily in the classes with the super smart geeks. But that meant I also was not seen by the boys I had crushes on. Maybe one would say my body was athletic. I certainly did not look like Betty and Veronica in the Archie comics I read while sunbathing in the yard.
Bottomline.... I was not a fan of my body. Couple this dislike with my penchant for stress eating, sexual assault and we had a perfect storm. By grade twelve, I had stopped eating, striving to get the body I wanted. I exercised harder and more often, with each step arguing against the bullies and injustice. When on a ten day canoe school for certification as an instructor, I took a measuring tape since there wasn't a scale.
That same summer, I arrived at work after the fifteen kilometre bike ride at my summer job. In my hand was the usual coffee and bran muffin I picked up at the coffee shop nearby. The floor began to swim and the lights seemed to be dimming as I suddenly felt weak and started to fall to the floor. I am not sure how long I was on the floor. Fortunately, I was alone. I gradually felt okay enough to get to my desk on the fourth floor. I drank water with my muffin and felt better. Perhaps I just needed to refill my coffee. I had dropped it on the floor when I fainted.
Within twelve months, I was being treated for an eating disorder. I was gritty enough to starve myself. I was gritty enough to make myself throw up when I did eat. I was gritty enough to run ten kilometres, bike tens of kilometres a day, go to school and work two jobs. I was ashamed of my large thighs and wanted my waist to be smaller, my breasts to be bigger. I spent days where I would not leave home because I felt too fat and none of my clothes felt right. Fortunately, a psychiatrist was helping me to see how I used food to try to have some sense of control in a world where I could not control what anyone else thought or said about me.
When I found climbing, I found a sense of empowerment that very first day. I overcame my own self doubt and in that was great freedom. I was outside, in the sunshine. The water lapping at the rocks below and silence except for the breeze in the trees made me feel connected to myself. But we acclimatize. There were so few climbers and I happened to bring my grit to this sport and got good. I spent a lot of time practicing and relative to others, I was getting strong and capable. I won a few competitions here and away.
When infant mortality was forty percent compared to today's one in ten thousand. Imagine the anxiety of knowing that as a woman, you were a man's property, sold into a marriage for the betterment of families.
Yes, anxiety over a quiz or an aging body seems pretty ridiculous by comparison. Neither is life threatening. But the nervous system doesn't distinguish between the snake about to strike or the fear of imagined thoughts. The nervous system just responds with activation of the sympathetic response.... fight, flight or flee. And if you don't move your body, those hormonal influences just clog up the blood stream. If the thoughts are continuous and do not leave you alone, it starts to become problematic on our body, reducing our immunity, making us more irritable, high blood pressure, ongoing muscle tension, skin problems, headaches, and the list goes on.
The difference between STRIVING and THRIVING is simple... the sense of being complete, full accompanies thriving. One is empty and has a sense of lack in striving.
If a business is thriving, there is still activity and effort. But there is also a sense of already having, being enough. When one is striving for the finish line, one is not yet where one wants to be and one is actively trying to get there. You see this all the time in climbing. People hire coaches or trainers, or do weight training in order to get to the next level. Meanwhile, they are no longer enjoying the process of getting where they want to go because they are only focused out ahead of where they are.
Meditation will show striving energy immediately. The moment you try to get still, try to remain calm and sitting on the floor, the mind will begin trying to be anywhere but where you are. The mind will remind you of things to do, and the need to pick up some item. It will remind you that you might want to message someone. The mind strives for some entertainment. After you become more practiced at meditation and learn to relax and not follow every thought, your meditation begins to thrive. Less striving truly can be more enjoyable and rewarding.
Try it. For now, I will appreciate what my body can do. I will focus on contentment with stillness and following the thoughts that lead to enjoyment rather than grasping all the must do thoughts. How about you?
Many years in the making, I became a coach and trainer specific to climbers in 1995 as I wrapped up a masters degree studying the physical characteristics of climbers, and could finally climb a respectable grade myself. Although my research focused on what physical characteristics were predictors of performance, my personal experience led me to recognize the value of understanding movement and getting my head in the game.
One element, informs another. Strength and mobility inform ones technique, the combination of both strength and skill inform how we mentally approach challenge. This also works in the opposite direction; those who have confidence will typically be better equipped to develop strength and skill. The key to success is your ability to determine what you need to focus on training and then finding the activities and drills that will help you grow.
I have a test I used during my initial years of examining climbers physical characteristics. I asked someone I was testing to grab some pinches and hang on them for as long as possible. While the pinches are not the best, and holding onto them is a challenge, the real test is how long the mind will persist at holding onto these miserable grips. I mean, who wants to hang on a wall holding pinches for more than a few seconds. Certainly not the youth I coach, evident by scores that lasted between ten seconds to forty five or so. It was my turn. Less fit, decades older, lower climbing performance did not stop me from trying hard. I tried so hard, I hung on for over seventy seconds.
I wanted to hang on more than the youth. I was willing to actually try hard. The youth who hung in there for close to forty five seconds tried hard, but I doubt they tried their hardest. As much as the test measures grip strength it also measures the mental capacity to persist.
Passion is more. Passion is fuelled by, "I can, I will, I must!!!" Warriors would not be convinced to charge based solely on a pay check. Warriors charge and defend what they love with all their hearts. It is an honour to be of such service to ones community. Olympians make it to the Games with the earth moving desire to put in hours or training, injuries, expense for the one moment to perform their very best on the global stage.
So how do we cultivate passion if it is such an important and essential element in not only performance but training strength and mobility and being willing to feel uncomfortable trying to implement new technique?
First - there needs to be a goal - an idea of something desired deeply. Maybe it is success on a beautiful line that stretches from the valley floor to the horizon. Or maybe it is the idea of the world stage. Perhaps it is a desire for the fullest expression of what is in one's heart. Something... anything, but there must be a goal.
Second - from that idea one longs to fulfill, there must also be discipline to do the hard thing. The act of putting one foot in front of the other regardless of an off day or unexciting routes, the repetition of training, is essential. You do not get to leave the problems stumping you. You continue to ask how can I do this and work at it until you figure it out. As a coach, I definitely recommend that walking away for moments of reprieve can be very helpful in reawakening the passion and preventing overuse injuries, but the route is not left unfinished.
Third - one must celebrate every fall with curiosity and positivity. To fall and not be inquisitive, or to fall and not acknowledge how challenging this problem is, sets you up to walk away. As a line in the trailer of the Netflix series "Life in Pieces" states, "Life is about these moments." If you do not celebrate the moments, no matter what they are, one loses passion for life pretty quickly.
Fourth - Curiosity means to continue to try to figure out and learn - your way - to complete the route. You are more than an ape mimicking someone else's beta - climber's slang for climbing the route the way everyone else climbed it. After testing countless climbers, I can tell you that every body is different physically, and therefore the biomechanics for them to do moves is going to be different than someone else. Understanding how to fine tune, hone and work with your biomechanics IS learning technique. Basically this step is to grow.
Fifth - accept what arises. And keep moving forward. This is probably the hardest step to continue taking. My body is now 57 years old and I find hanging and engaging my shoulder with poor feet or no feet very hard. I can do all the other steps, but now my body is getting older and it is harder to just maintain where I was let alone improve. We are all aging. Year's ago at a lecture session I offered, I asked the group attending the session titled, "Aging Gracefully" a simple question. Think of all you have accomplished in the last thirty years. You could live another thirty years. What will you do with those years? One person responded with almost panic. The previous years had been full of accomplishments - for what - the well sought after retirement. And irrelevance that comes with it.
Every athlete eventually retires. Every CEO, model, actor, super star is eventually replaced by a newer younger version. But if you love what you do... it doesn't matter whether you are the best. It only matters that you get to do what you love to do. Meaning this last step is not about whether you win or lose, send the route or not... it is about playing the game. Being able to move, be in the community in whatever capacity you can and let go of the need for it to more than that.
This is the ultimate yin and yang of life. Birth is so greatly celebrated, as is ones death when we take stock of all that life has meant. But what matters to you at the end of life - is simply the moments within it and did you life honestly, in service - as a warrior, passionate for a cause or timidly on the sidelines as a spectator, enjoying a few drinks and snacks? Or somewhere in between?
"I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious." Albert Einstein
Many moons ago, I would awake early in the morning and head to school. Our gym teacher would get us to run sprints, or do longer runs a mile or two in length. It was all part of the training as a cross country team participant. As my mind moves back to those days, I cannot remember much about who else was on the team or even many of our competitions. I do remember one thing very distinctly, I remember the day the gym teacher walked beside a very unhappy young girl and told her she was pretty good at running and should try out for the cross country team. The young girl was me. The feeling of being acknowledged as strong and capable by an adult was inspiring. That simple comment led to running in high school and continuing my own running throughout my adult life. More importantly, it led to my discovery that moving my body really helps me reduce anxiety and stress and improves my mental health.
"When you give away what you long for the most, you heal a part of yourself."
~ Eve Ensler - TED talk on the Vagina Monologues
It is no surprise that what I have chosen for myself is to give away what has had the most meaning for me. Saturday I spent the morning at our local climbing gym with a flurry of young climbers. One was injured, most were a little too excited to be finally spending time together to focus on the training activities I was giving them. I was all smiles. Their enthusiasm and trust in what I ask of them is huge reward. And it is a responsibility I do not take likely.
Notice this quote of Eve Ensler emphasizes giving away what you long for. In the context of the Vagina Monologues, Eve Ensler was giving away safety for women. She has created safe spaces for women to go so they would not be mutilated. She was not stomping her feet around looking for her own safety... she gave it away. A coach should not be training while coaching. A yoga teacher should not be doing their own yoga while teaching.... it is about giving away the experience one longs for.
Responsibility... I have a responsibility to the youth, their parents and the facility I work for.
- I have a responsibility to not harm the youth I coach.
- I have a responsibility to assist them to improve their performance.
I also have a responsibility to myself to act with integrity.
As team started the other day each athlete was asked to sign a Code of Conduct form, outlining their responsibility as an athlete. When you get to climb on a team, your behaviour influences the team. This little element seems to be missed in most things these days. But it is essential. If I show up in a bad mood, my mood will influence the team; team and individual motivation and quality of practice. It is my job as the coach to show up in a good mood, preparing to have a positive impact on the team.
So too is it their job to show up ready to work, ready to try, ready to grow.
The CEC - Climbing Escalade Canada - has just released a document called the Athlete Development Model that explains when an athlete - particularly a youth - should be introduced to various skills.
Check out www.climbingcanada.ca - resources.
The CEC has a responsibility to educate coaches, or prospective coaches and protect athletes and this tool goes a long way to achieving that goal.
In this global pandemic, I would suggest, we also have a responsibility to ourselves and to those around us, to live in line with our values. If you value freedom, how about you make it possible for others to have freedom. If value safety, why not assist in keeping people safe from the virus. If you value kindness, be kind. If you value curiosity, stay curious and offer the opportunity for others to be curious. Just a thought.
A memory popped up on my Facebook timeline - a quote from Wayne Dyer. What seems a million years ago now, I was living in North Vancouver, BC, working in retail and at a coffee shop and a climbing gym. I needed all of the jobs to just pay the expenses of living in BC. My boyfriend and I had landed here after three months of road tripping through the wealth of climbing areas in the United States. We had covered New Hampshire, West Virginia, Colorado, Utah, Nevada and Texas. All living out of a Mazda GLC backed with our climbing gear, camping gear and dreams.
Despite our many adventures, or perhaps because of our sudden return to the world of slaving at jobs and spinning in circles to just make enough money, we had split. My partner decided that perhaps he would go to University, climbing dreams no longer fit his aspirations, he had become someone I did not recognize. Heartbroken and overwhelmed with still having to live in the same space, figure out what to do about our dog who disliked being home alone so much that she would dig at the floor if we went out.
I perused the self help section of a local bookstore looking for something to make me feel better about life. I came across this book titled, “Your Erroneous Zones,” by Wayne Dyer. And as I read the first few pages I was hooked. So hooked I still have a copy of the book. An idea I had never before considered was presented to me and it made so much sense I had to read more.
Emotions are born from thoughts. Thoughts are born from our memories, our ideas of who we are. AND we get to choose thoughts. Read that again… we get to choose our thoughts. I can choose to believe a rainy day means bad weather or a rainy day means a good weather day. I can choose to think my partner leaving our relationship is good OR that it is bad. It follows that if I believe his leaving is bad, I will feel bad. If I choose to believe his leaving is good… I will feel good.
Surely, happiness cannot be so simple. Can it? Obviously not.
I said finally, but really that is not it. Choosing how you think about the routes immensely impacts your success, and failure on the route. When someone does not believe they can climb a route, the move is too reachy or the holds are too small, the angle is too steep, they choose thoughts that affirm their inability to be successful. Often then, those thoughts become reality. Tommy Caldwell didn’t complete the Dawn Wall believing it was impossible. He completed the route because he kept the door open to the idea that it could be done.
Often when we choose to believe something is impossible, we feel bad. The moves are too reachy for me, becomes, ‘the routesetters set something reachy,’ then along on its tail rides the emotions of righteous indignation. Or if we disagree with someone’s actions, we believe they should not have done what they did, we are right, and again…. Righteous indignation rides shotgun. I will not state any one political issue of the day, but after #metoo, almost two years of Covid, finding unmarked graves and 4 years with Trump, I think you can find many ideas that have borne out this example.
Trouble is, righteous indignation really doesn’t have the intended impact of getting us what we think will make us happy. Why?
Another book delivered this gem… “if I defend myself, I am attacked.”
Blame and accusation points the finger out to someone else. And we often take that stance to protect, defend our idea of how the world should be. “Routesetters should not set reachy routes.” Even if we could get the whole world to agree with us - an impossibility - we would not have changed our need to be right. The need to be right is a very heavy burden to lift and carry everywhere. It keeps you at war all the time. Because your identity is held together by the conditions of being right. AND there will always be another route, or another movement or ideology to go to war over.
In the relationship I started this story with, I was the girlfriend, loved by this man. Suddenly, his desire to leave the relationship changed one of my many identities. I was no longer the girlfriend. I was no longer in a relationship and loved in that romantic way. So war started… the struggle began. The struggle to be right… to be loveable, to reaffirm the identity. War. And war means being unhappy.
With each loss it was those words… choose happy, not right that made all the difference. If I choose to be right, I am choosing to tell someone else they are wrong and that creates division. Separation. Choosing happy is to choose to look for the joy in the moment I am in, not the past I lived or the prospective future I planned. To choose happy is to choose to live right now. To choose curiosity is humility. It is the most vulnerable and bravest choice you can make.
Last week I posted a quote with the sentiment…
“...see who is in there with you and celebrate. At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves…. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves! Banish the word ’struggle’ from your attitude and your vocabulary.”
When we defend our identities and hold tightly to them, we hold the attitude of struggle and take ourselves very seriously. We separate ourselves from peace and it is only in peace that we can connect with ourselves and those around us. We cannot grow, nor can we celebrate and feel the joy that is always available to us.
Writing, journalling, podcasting... it's all about sharing the journey.