Act 2 - The Reckoning

In the fall of 2014, I left my secure job of over 12 yrs and took over a Yoga studio. I was inspired to fulfill my dream to become a teacher, not an administrator. It did not take long for the fear monster to rear it's ugly head.  Being responsible for the financial security of the studio and my own personal financial security along with it, pushed me up against the wall and I felt I could hardly breathe. I began to move faster and faster; to work harder, and to expect more from the students in the studio and the teachers. I was increasingly unhappy. Brene Brown would call this the rumble. The place of discomfort where we see our unhappiness, our blaming, our discontent.

My eating habits were eroding into old patterns from my eating disorder days and I was longing to be saved. I did the only thing I knew to help myself. I went to see my teacher and my Parayoga family. I knew these were people who could hold space for me to figure things out.

In Colorado, with the love and space of my Parayoga sangha around me, I moved into act 2... the reckoning. I got quiet, I felt the rumblings of fear, anger and disappointment, hopelessness. I faced my truth; I did not want to be an entrepreneur and that was the job I had taken on. I had not taken on the job of teacher as much as I had accepted the role of business manager, sales and marketing. The more I taught, the less attention I was putting into the real work I needed to do to make the studio sustainable for the students and the teachers. This job was a need to 'do' for others and to please others at the expense of my truth; to offer support to others as they grow into their own potential. The Four Desires process (created by my teacher Rod Stryker), showed me how doing and pleasing others is the way I operate when in fear, my vikalpa. Shining a light on possibility and being creative in getting others to grow is my dharma. 

So I made the only choice I could; I rewrote the ending; I chose rising strong. I left the studio despite all the uncertainty. I made the harder choice - to live my truth, my dharma.

A year later, I am still rebuilding my life. It isn't easy and all the loose ends are not yet fully tied up. But I am moving in the right direction. It is my dharma to invite you to look at the discontent in your life, to rumble and reckon with it. And to rise stronger than ever before.