An interesting evening of speakers promoting their ideas on approaches to our health systems in need of changing. An impassioned argument about providing housing being a foundation for dignity pricked up my ears. I was recently listening to Arthur C Brooks who defined dignity as a feeling of being needed. 

The etymology of the word dignity is dignus meaning worthy. We use dignity in the context of something being beneath ones dignity or sense of self esteem or respect. Dignity may also be used in the context of something of nobility or stateliness. Clearly someone who suffers from the inability to house themselves may very well feel a lack of worthiness or nobility. 

There was another speaker who spoke about permission. As a woman who manages a good deal of work and responsibilities, she spoke of the value of giving herself permission to say no to things and yes to her own need for rest. She added to this the environment which supported her right to say no - a community in which she felt valued, but a shared responsibility with others. In other words, she had support from her community to say yes to her own needs and desires. 

Yet another speaker spoke about navigating a transition in his life where he lacked a sense of purpose. He had suffered loss and trauma and eventually found his way back to purpose through therapy, providing a space to others to produce art.
Another speaker spoke of the value of nature as a environment for healing, for seeing the world and oneself differently. Coupled with an architect noting the importance of how the physical space impacts the experience of the health care system.

Many years ago I read a book about the Drama Triangle. The Drama Triangle was introduced in 1968 by psychiatrist Stephen B Karpman to describe relationships between people. The three elements of the triangle are the victim, the perpetrator, and the rescuer. The victim is the person harmed. The perpetrator or persecutor is the person who is responsible for inflicting harm, and the rescuer is the person who steps in to support the victim. The goal of each role is to gain power in the relationship.
Who has power over your own sense of dignity? 

For so many of us we are the persecutor in our own lives. The environment in which we live is one of noticing what we did wrong and providing self recrimination for our choices. For some, the lens is pointed outward into the world and all that the world is doing to persecute them undeservedly. In either case, personal power is being given away. When we feel shame or guilt, disgust with ourselves, we are believing that we are bad - there is something wrong with ourself. But the truth is we made a bad choice. Can we forgive ourselves for making a wrong choice and then create our own internal environment that allows us to do better? Alcoholics Anonymous works because of the environment of support and forgiveness afforded those who have made bad decisions. 

I absolutely agree there are people who are dismissive of others, even downright offensive and disrespectful toward others. Persecutors are so caught in their beliefs and ideas there is no room to hear or hold the space for someone whose opinion or ideas differ from theirs. While it is offensive and hurtful, even harmful, giving ones power to those people just re-victimizes the victim. It diminishes ones joy and sense of happiness and freedom. To feel compassion for one who cannot see beyond their own small world is the greatest power.

Over the past two months there have been a number of real life, on the ground disruptions in my life. On the potential scale negative events, these circumstances are relatively small in scale. These circumstances have caused some hurt and shown me that we cannot always trust people, and it is a good thing to have boundaries.

What I do when these things happen, is I lean into the teachings and self help. I search good reads from the spiritual teachers, I search for meaning in the circumstance. I look for guidance on how to handle the feelings, thoughts, the "right" way. I pray for guidance, I meditate, I journal, I talk to a friend. I do Byron Katie's, The Work; I read Pema Chodron's Buddist teachings, I lean into all I have learned through Yoga.

As I sat this morning, looking to the Universe for strength, I finally saw a truth I had not realized before. All these actions are my attempt to by-pass the negative emotions.  These actions of a studied person trying to do the right thing, handle the situation in a positive way were not a whole lot different than trying to handle negative feelings with drugs, food, exercise, and/or work to by-pass the feelings. 

My reaction to Covid lockdown, which coincided with the death of my father, was house projects. I leaned into hyper productivity consuming my thoughts with measurements before I made the cut of wood for the deck. Problem solving how to replace that window over the stairs with a stable platform. Where is the property line as I cut the trees moving up into the view of the ocean. My body exhausted at the end of the day, I had earned my zoning out in front of Netflix with a glass of wine. And there was no time or space for the feelings of loss, the grief, sense of isolation, and worry of a world in chaos.

I was ashamed of my daily glass of wine habit, I hated my body. This suffering just added to all the emotions I was trying to stuff away and block from feeling. This push and pull between so called "healthy choices" and unhealthy reactivity continued for years, even as we emerged from Covid.

I recognized the pattern from my eating disorder days in my late teens, early twenties so I reached out for help and was blessed to meet not only someone who mentors folks with eating disorders, but also a spiritual seeker. In our very first conversation ​

It is human to feel all the emotions. Attempts to deny the negative emotions is also very human. As we move into more chaos with an election on the horizon and major storms in the recent past, it is a very important time to sit with the emotions, allow them in and to experience them. The goal is not to react. All that productivity, the reading the self help and spiritual books, those are reactions. It is how we respond that matters. Reaction has a hurried nature to it. A response has a measured quality. A reaction is often not well planned. A response has considered the consequences of any action or inaction. 

First feel the pain of the circumstance. Allow the pain to wash over and through you.
Then with a little breathing space, consider...
How will your response impact your relationship with yourself?
How will it impact your relationship with others in the moment?
How will it impact the relationship in five years in the future?
Ten years in the future?

Then decide what is appropriate for you to say or do. And remember, it may be nothing.

How many more people would take a chance on an idea or imagining?
How many more wild imaginings would happen?
How many fewer "look-at-me" self defining likes would people need to be happy?
How much less comparison would take place?

Perhaps the numbers wouldn't change much, although in the book, "The Anxious Generation," by Jonathan Haidt, there is a fair amount of evidence linking mental health to social media and screen time. The more screen time, the poorer the mental health outcomes.

Recently I have had a few situations where I removed my filter. I wasn't rude, but I maintained my boundaries. I challenged ideas and spoke frankly about impact. While it has challenged those relationships, I spoke honestly and with curiosity. Asking for the others opinion, allowing them to share and for me to listen and consider it. What I have felt is relief. What I have discovered is that when I share my ideas, I feel stronger in who I am, rather than leaning toward being who I believe people want me to be. 

A thought for you today... We teach people how to treat us.
What are you telling people is okay?
How is that impacting your sense of who you are and who you believe you can be?
​Who are you without a filter? Don't forget to be kind, curious, and timely. 

These labels can be the root of great suffering when we do not live up to the expectations that come with them. Am I still a climber when I stop climbing every week and no longer hang out with climbers? Where is the line or parameters of the definition?
And when we are no longer a particular label, there can be great upset. Who are we? It's one thing if we just moved to a new label - I am single to I am married is generally a pretty happy transition, where the transition from I am strong and healthy to I am old and weaker is much harder change to make. 

Exhibited in these stages are the thoughts and emotions one may experience in a life transition; the loss of a job or a partner. Denial of the loss if it is something not wanted, which sparks anger. There is a loss rooted in pride. "How dare they fire me when I am such a great worker." 

This may be followed by fear of the future. "What will I do without....?" Leading to bargaining for something to hang onto from the past. "If I had a second chance... It wasn't my fault."

Inevitably the thoughts lean into the sense there is no hope of going backwards. Recognition that a return to how things were can never happen. Things move forward and the pain of the experience must be acknowledged. Dark thoughts about the hopelessness of a life without pain meander through the mind and shape a negative perspective of the world. 

Hanging in and finding the rights supports can lead to acceptance. Light shines in through the cracks and we smile at something good that happens, laugh with a friend or two and recognize it is not the end of the world. Good can still exist. 

Hope for a better future greats a door for acceptance to walk through. Hope we will have a future and perhaps the faith we can navigate the pains of that future with grace keep us going. Seeing the blessings in all that follows is essential every day.

Flow is described with the following 8 characteristics by one of the lead researchers on the topic: 

1. Complete concentration
2. Clarity of goals
3. Sense of time is distorted
4. Intrinsically rewarding - feels good
5. Effortless and ease
6. Balance between challenge and skill
7. Losing self conscious awareness - action and awareness are merged
8. Feeling of control over the task

Vacations, retreats, spa treatments serve to provide a pleasurable experience, but they do not give a sense of purpose or meaning. There is no sense of intrinsic reward. Many athletes experience flow during the pursuit of their sport because there is the possibility for all elements to be present - challenge, goals, concentration, feeling capable, merging of awareness and action.

In the book, The Anxious Generation, Jonathon Haidt presents alarming statistics demonstrating the declining mental health of youth since 2010. While Jonathon presents a compelling argument that this decline is the result of smart phones and social media, another compelling argument is made about the lack of the flow experience. Not sure there is much challenge and skill involved in using social media unless one is trying to be an influencer, and if that is the case, often one is too absorbed in the number of likes to lose self consciousness.  

How can you develop more flow experiences in your life?
Consider hobbies, crafts, artistic expression. Collecting things, or redesigning a space. Building something. Gardening can provide opportunities for concentration on a goal, a sense of intrinsic reward, and the challenge and skill balance.
Pursuit of physical goals. Hiking can provide endless opportunities to not only play with flow, but also to experience the sense of AWE, another well known ingredient to happiness. The pursuit of improved skill or performance provides goals and concentration, as well as the well loved dopamine. Fitness also provides the sense of overall wellness.
Volunteer opportunities for organizations that have meaning to you. The opportunity to serve others gives us a sense of dignity, purpose. Particularly as one ages, and children leave the next, the people who need you may continue to be reduced. As one becomes less physically capable, there can be a growing sense of not being needed or relevant. Offering your experience, skills, and knowledge can be a great support to under-funded organizations. 

Let us know in the comment section.