With the new year fast approaching, it is that time when many will consider resolutions for changes they wish to make in the upcoming year. Deciding what goals or resolutions to establish is in and of itself not as easy as it may sound. 

Wanting to eat a better diet may be the goal, but stating "I am eating healthier foods" is not very motivating when you are hungry and on your way home from a busy day and there is a fast food place you love on the route home. The way a goal is stated must inspire something much deeper and meaningful. 

If you consider those who have received a diagnosis that puts doubt on ones survival, the goals for health and wellbeing become all consuming and inspire their actions. The inspiration comes from a place of truth, uncrowded by all the should thinking or the fears of failure interfering talking over the things one really wants to do in life. 

How do you do that? Try the following activity.
Consider you are on death's door. You know you have limited time to fulfill your destiny here on the planet earth. Then ask yourself the following questions:

• What is an accomplishment that gives you a sense or pride or purpose with it's completion?
• What is a memory of a time when you felt a true sense of fulfillment?
• Describe a time when you served yourself or others in such a way that you felt great sense of generosity.
• What is the example of living, working, being that you want to be most remembered for?

Get out your notebook and pen or your iPad and Apple pencil and write. Free write. Do not overthink. Do not try to take care of anyone else or ensure that they will be okay with what you need to do. Imagine you have all the freedom, finances and physical ability to do whatever it is that is the desire you wish to fulfill.

After free writing for at least one page per question. Read back through the notes and highlight anything that stood out.

Some folks find it most telling to write a poem about a memory sparked by one of the above statements. 

Some folks find it helpful to jot notes, then tell someone else about the experience, however, as you tell them make it not possible for you to hear them or see them, or sense them in anyway. For example, get on a call with them, but turn off the camera and mute them as you describe the memory. Try to explain the experience and how you acted, how you felt, how you experienced the events which led to the sense of meaning, fulfillment. 

It can sometimes take time to let the memory percolate and for the fullness of the memory to come alive. Be patient and relaxed as you write, as you tell the story.
Check back for the next step in this process. If you want more guidance and cannot wait, checkout Rod Stryker's, The Four Desires Workbook. 

Recently I saw a post from someone presenting what they believe to be scientific evidence to support a belief and I noticed my resistance to the conclusions that were being presented. My thoughts began to mount a defence of a counter argument. I sought out the evidence where what they presented was questionable, and whether their conclusions and actions based on that evidence was right. In other words, I went to war. The result was a very difficult meditation, a sense of not wanting to run into the person who posted the idea.

I still listen. There are times I wonder if he listens to me with the same curiosity I am willing to bring to our differing ideas, but that is for him to decide. My lane, my business is how I show up with people whose opinions, thoughts differ from my thoughts. I want people to listen to my ideas. In turn then, I should be willing to listen to their ideas.

I value integrity, growth and harmony. The moment I am with people who are not curious, who do not value the ideas of others, I feel unsafe. You see, when we tell others they are wrong, the message is often perceived as an insult to the person, not the idea. This puts us at odds. The result is separation at best, and active combat at worst. Listening to what someone thinks doesn't mean agreeing with the ideas. It means we are open to learning. We are curious. We value the person's right to see things differently.

However, I am also very much confronted with a problem...It is not very comfortable to admit I don't know what is true. But then it is also not very comfortable to be at war with people either. It actually takes a lot of strength to be willing to say, "I don't know. I am curious what you have to say." It means being willing to have your thoughts change and that can be very destabilizing for people. Especially humans who are creatures of habit. Human brains like to know, knowing creates safety.

What would happen if you questioned some deep-seated belief? The other night I was challenged to see becoming a crone as a beautiful transition and I am still questioning whether I agree. But at least being open to the question, I will not lose connection with the people who suggested the idea. What relationship could you heal by being curious and looking for more information about their way of thinking about something? 

In 2015, I closed the business I operated for a short time. Changes to the building meant the business would not be sustainable and rather than wait for the inevitable ruin, I took the leap to stop before more money was invested. I was lost. I was afraid. I was sad. I felt humiliated - stupid for having taken on what would be an inevitable failure because I did not ask the right questions. It was a dark time. I felt so empty and alone that even as things happened around me, I experienced them as if I was separate from them, witnessing them from a distance. It was a period of being so numb, I did not really experience joy or anxiety... just empty. ​

With the passing of years, and a little stability financially, I learned a number of things. 

• Ask better questions.
• Believe in the value you bring and stand up for yourself.
• Regardless of the number of times I have failed, fallen, I have also been able to pick myself up and move forward usually a little better off. 
• A little faith, a lot of curiosity and the implementing what you learn is the recipe for resilience.

The questions are critical. Never ask a why question. 
Why is this happening to me? That question will give you a lot of self critical thoughts, or defense of your own character responses. Neither of which will get you forward. 

What am I meant to learn from this situation? This sparks reflection on what you have learned. Understanding new learning means you can now apply the new learning to future choices. 
How do I want to move forward? What do I want to do next? What will get me where I want to go?
These questions -- "what" and "how" -- open the mind to what is right now and what is next.

Am I happy? Leads to a yes or no. Which is only helpful to know if the next question is what is making you happy or unhappy?

Elizabeth Gilbert uses the question, Dear Love, what do you want me to know... and you can fill in the blank with something like about pain, or about this particular situation. Although it is offered in a different way, the question offers the same opportunity. 
CURIOSITY

When the mind is redirected from pain, from negative thoughts, and onto something with a sense of curiosity, the sympathetic nervous system response is less noisy. Curiosity activates a more parasympathetic response in the nervous system. Curiosity turns on the prefrontal cortex in a need or desire to figure something out - to problem solve and this in turn, reduces the stress response. 

Part 2... practice what you learn.
Once you ask the question... what is making me happy, it is then important to continue to try to implement the answer and test whether it is actually the correct answer. Or what are the nuances to the answer which can refine the wisdom?
​This is practice, or more specifically, deliberate practice.

When curiosity is being practiced, the parasympathetic nervous system is more active. Test it. Get curious about whether this rings true for you.

Esther Perel - "Always ask yourself, what am I fighting for?" You fight for care and closeness. You fight for respect and recognition. And you fight for power and control." Care and control is trust. Respect and recognition is to be valued. Power and control is for having your priorities matter. 

Another morning, another day to fill the thoughts with figuring out how to do a new house project. How will the ladder be stabilized so that 12 foot 6X6 post come down with the header on top of it? How will it be forced to fall away from the house and not damage the new siding? The physical effort complete, body tired and sore, the mental agitation continues. 

What's next? Groceries... go to the store. The need to move seemingly on autopilot moving through the aisles of salty snacks. Popcorn, yes. Chips, yes. Then home with Netflix and NA beer snacking, watching, ignoring, numbing. The desire to ignore and suppress the difficult feelings, the stress imposed by the circumstances. It seems like an eternity of stress. The financial uncertainty, disability and illness, death of loved ones, the distance of loved ones, Covid, the uncertainty has not ended. When will it end? When will things be safe? 

There is an interconnectedness between the 3 things we control. When we chose things that reinforce our love for ourselves, that foster our trust in ourself, we feel stronger, more capable. However, when our choices reflect a lack of trust in ourselves, or a lack of self love and respect, we will perpetuate making more choices which reflect our sense of lack. 

My choice to physically and mentally exhaust myself with house projects and then become a couch potato in my feeble attempt to keep reality and my feelings about it at bay are perhaps not the most skillful choices. Definitely better than a drug addiction, but still perhaps a little less skillful than using my time to both experience my feelings, feel compassion for myself and trust I would navigate the difficulties.

Watching greats like Tommy Caldwell overcome the challenges faced in Kyrgyzstan, then the loss of a finger and still moving forward with trust he would could come back from the darkness is inspiring. We love to hear these stories of overcoming. They inspire us. They move us.

But do we change?
Are we motivated to make the choices which are harder to make? Are we inspired enough to change how we live? Or must we also suffer the same degree of darkness before we are willing to change?
​What's your experience? Comment and let me know.

Winter is approaching, fall has well and truly arrived. This morning as I attempted to write, I could feel the pull to get the dog out for a walk. She, Prim, has a schedule. We leave for our walk between 7:30 am and 7:45 of 8 am. As the clock seconds tick past 7:30 am, I always feel her angst building, or maybe it is mine. I wanted to write, but I gave up telling myself I would write when we arrived back.

I came in and started this post. 
The problem is not the walk. The problem was not even the dog. The problem for me was the feeling pushed and pulled, dragged around by the mound of responsibility rather than by something I wanted. I want a life where I get to do something from a place of inspiration, not obligation. 
So I will follow up on my obligation to get her out for a walk. I will actually start clocking my exercise because my watch tells me I need to get 90 min of exercise every day. But I will consider... what activity, what thing can I do today that will actually fill my cup with joy and enjoyment? I hope you do the same.