Perspective taking

Photo by Opus Form on Unsplash

In recent weeks a number of things have riled up my stubborn anger rooted in the fear of not being seen or valued. I have started and restarted this blog post numerous times, and stopping short of posting anything with the reminder, "if I don't have anything nice to say, it is better to not say anything at all."

Today I was reminded of something else... I may perceive things in a way others do not. It's not their fault or issue they do not see it the way I do. Likewise, I am not seeing their perspective. That is no fault of mine. We are all limited in how we perceive by the experiences we have had. 

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
~ Anais Nin
Clear seeing and perceiving is derived from expanding what we bring into our awareness in any given moment. 

While climbing in the Red River Gorge many years ago, I went around a corner to relieve myself. A few steps around the corner of the crag, I came across a rattlesnake. I very carefully retraced my steps, deciding I did not need to pee that badly. An hour or so later, while tying into a rope to climb, I step backward and felt something hit the back of my leg. I must have jumped a mile in the air while flailing my legs around and screaming. 

Photo by The New York Public Library on Unsplash

A gentleman spectating my dance quietly asked, "did you think it was a snake?"
You are darn right that is what my brain perceived when the stick hit the back of my leg. A different day, a different location, or if I hadn't encountered a rattle snake, I might not have danced at all. 

Everything happening in our world today is perceived through the lens of what we are looking for, or expecting. Unfortunately, our brains are naturally wired to critique and look for the problems. So we see problems. I am wired to protect myself from being bitten by a snake, when in an area where there are snakes, the sensation of unexpectedly being hit by something from the ground caused me to perceive snake! - danger! - self-protect!
But I was not in danger. I did not need to protect myself. 

Wandering around expecting, looking for where things will go wrong is the root of the high levels of anxiety we all experience around us these days. 

Here is a challenge...
Step 1: When you feel anxious or stressed, or even just as you lay in bed preparing to sleep, bring your awareness to your belly and take a breath that flow through the nostrils and all the way down to the belly.
Step 2: As you exhale, slow the release of breath and be gentle as you release the breath. Repeat this a few times.
​Step 3: Then allow yourself to remember what is causing distress and ask these questions: 

• Can I absolutely be certain what I am believing is true?
  
• How might this work for me?
• How do I want to be in this moment?

Here is an example: Someone says something and I perceive they do not value me or they are saying something negative about me. This brings up feelings related to a fear of not being valued.
Immediately focus on my breath... deep breath in all the way to the belly and focussing on a slow exhale. I even count - inhale for 4, exhale for 6 or 8 counts.
When I sense being more calm, I consider what transpired and I ask can I be absolutely certain I am being targeted and devalued? I consider whether there may be something I am not aware of. I don't know what kind of day this person is having, or perhaps I am hearing the statement out of context. 
Then I ask how might this situation work for me. Perhaps there is a kernel of truth in the feedback. Perhaps there is an opportunity to adjust how I act. Perhaps there is an opportunity to create better boundaries with this person.
Third question is designed to allow me to identify who I want to be and what I can control. There will always be haters, but I can choose not to give them the power to influence my perspective about myself. I can choose what is best for me, or what I need in the moment. And it may well be to change my behaviour, knowing I do it for me.