What and How

Yesterday in conversation with a friend I got very intense, heated. I was making my point and I wanted it heard. I realized how much strong emotion I was holding around the subject. It wasn't necessarily a surprise to me that this topic has a powerful hold over me, what surprised me was my own behaviour; how I was delivering my message.
The irony is that my message was a rant against How someone else was behaving. Thanks for the wake up call Universe. Whenever we are thinking someone else is wrong, it is an opportunity to look for where we are the same. You will find it if you get curious.

You will never agree with everyone unless you make your world very small and only engage with someone who is exactly like you and you do not have any kind of deep conversation. To be in the world is to come up against challenge with the ideas others hold. Wanting to be right, wanting to change the mind of others is instinctive. If they join your thinking, you have been valued. Feeling valued, in turn, means safety.

We do not need to agree on the what we believe. It would be silly to think we all can agree on what we believe because nothing is ever black and white. There are varying degrees of grey and the grey is where the seed of our disagreement stems from. I believe that environmental sustainability is important. And I still book flights, drive a car fuelled by gas, and eat meat. All things that some environmentalists believe are killing our planet. Those environmentalists may not drive gas guzzling cars, but some might eat meat. Some might choose never to get on a plane, and do not eat meat or drive vehicles which run on gas. We each have a different expression of a belief.

How we express our opinions through words and actions will often make the difference in whether we influence anyone else positively or negatively. Yesterday, I was not skillful in how I experienced my opinion and today I am feeling the hangover of regret. My choice has influenced how I will be perceived and my future interactions with that person. More importantly, it is not how I want to be. I want to be more open to the ideas of others. I know that when I am not open to the ideas of others and I am so adamant about being right, it is coming from some broken part within me. When I feel my way is the only right way, I am feeling vulnerable and powerless and my need to be right is to give myself some sense of validation. 

How do I know? Because I am not a sociopath or a narcissist.
In the coming days, when you disagree with someone, consider their right to a different opinion which is informed by a very different experience than yours. Consider they have very different experiences informing their world. Ask yourself, "do I like who I am being in this exchange?" "How do I want to engage with others, even those I disagree with and how do I do that in this exchange?"
Bottomline: you have to know your opinion counts, but then if yours counts, then everyone else is entitled to an opinion too. If I have been a little too intense with you - know that it matters to me and I will work on me.