Wholeness

Time is the movement of nature. We as humans, are a part of nature. As time marches on, everything evolves, ages. As we age, we change. Hair greys and thins, becomes less vibrant. Wrinkles appear on our well worn faces. As metabolism slows, the size of the belly grows. The hips feel stiffer, the knees less stable and muscle tone begins to diminish. And for women, the ability to trust the body wanes. With less melatonin, with night sweats, we struggle to sleep, our thinking is foggier, and we are more sensitive to dietary changes. I have said a thousand times... "I don't know whose body this is, but it is not the one I am used to." 

As a person whose work has revolved around being physically strong and able, this past decade has been quite a ride. A decade ago, it began... menopause, and my mother passing away. There is a message of the finality of life that one cannot escape when one has to attend a parent's funeral and clear away their belongings. My son begged me to allow him to go away to school that same year and I became an empty nester. The death of my father came not quite seven years later. I became an orphan. 

True to the stereotype, I went headlong into a grasping for my old self, on a course of self destruction. It doesn't seem to matter what age you are, when you grasp for that part of you that no longer exists, you usually make some unwise decisions that lead you into more pain and suffering. As a teen turning to adulthood, my grasping for youth led me into the world of eating disorders. When I went from being married, to being a single parent, those old habits reemerged, resulting in more pain and suffering. So too the old familiar patterns emerged with the death of my father and my child living in a different country during Covid lockdowns.

And our culture perpetuates this idea that we should be able to turn back time, get rid of the wrinkles and the grey hair. We can surgically lift the butt and the breasts, move some tissue around and sustain our youth. We are assured that if we eat the Mediterranean diet and exercise more, we will have our youth back. We can take medications to restore estrogen and trick the body into performing in a more youthful manner. 
​
I don't mean to rain on the parade, but the Mediterranean diet is not going to suddenly increase the amount of melatonin you are able to secret. Exercise, while helpful and I absolutely agree it is essential, it will not make reverse the aging process. These things may make the symptoms of aging less pronounced and keep one healthier, for longer, but they will turn back time or reverse the clock. 

What we seek when we are suffering is something that makes us feel whole again.
As we age, we feel less whole because we are losing parts of ourselves; the body we had, the people we love, and our physical and mental abilities. As my father lived the final months of his life, I witnessed his resistance to his physical discomfort. He rallied against the weakness and actual discomfort that was natural for someone who was no longer properly producing red blood cells. Mentally, he resisted. Physically he tried to maintain as much independence and capacity as possible. And he was very unhappy. I understood. I recognized how I too was unhappy and I was also resisting all the changes I was experiencing. 

Perhaps it is not the aging that is hard, it is the resistance that is hard. 
​"Maybe I don't fit here anymore."   has been the idea that has frequently crossed my mind in the past five or so years. Coaching climbing was harder with the nature of less technical climbing and more dynamic movement. It came up in my Yoga community as I witnessed the very non-Yogic reactivity of the community. But if I did not fit in these communities, where did I fit?

I tried pickleball, I have tried connecting with different communities, different work colleagues. I have tried reconnecting with friends. It feels awkward. Finally... I recognized something important that made a profound difference... I have been looking outside of myself for the sense of wholeness. Even in a spiritual capacity, I placed God outside of myself and looked to that external God for a solution. But a solution means that where I am is not enough. Not right. Looking for a solution means I am resisting what is in some way.

Wholeness is experienced when we experience where we are as enough - complete. Not dependent on a partner, a child, a career, a level of success or financial stability. Not dependant on the community, our age, our wealth, or our capacity. It is only dependent on our thinking that where we are, what we are doing and who we are with in this moment is complete.

Byron Katie calls it Loving What Is. And it is far from a passive action. The Yogis call it Yoga - the balance of yin and yang, light and dark, resistance and grasping. This takes practice, every moment of every day. 

Your challenge, should you choose to accept it is to try to find that space where you are not reaching for something or pushing something away. How? Let's say you are grasping to complete the TO DO list. If it not done, you are not happy. Consider the following:

• What items on the list will really matter if they are not completed.
• What will matter 6 months from now?
• What will matter in a year?
• How long have a lived without completing this item?
• Consider whether you are the one who must complete the task.
• Ask yourself what am I grasping for or resisting with the item on the list?

Finally... what happens if I just breathe for 5 minutes. I do nothing but sit and breathe. Or walk in nature for 15 min. Or do a Yoga nidra practice. In reality, unless the things on your list involve saving a life, there are very few things that would prevent you from letting the parasympathetic nervous system become a little more active. Often if the grasping or resistance is causing stress - the activation of the sympathetic nervous system, then a little activation of the parasympathetic system will help us achieve the optimum arousal for the task. Too much stress can reduce our effectiveness. 
​Let me know how it goes.